The Highs and Lows

How quickly things can change, or at least appear to change.  Last week I was riding high. I started the blog and it felt good, I was uncovering some new neat sites which have some great info on them, my energy was through the roof, my little nephew and family were coming to visit, life was good.  Then I finished work for 4 days,  what better way to celebrate than head to a coworkers for a few drinks and bbq. Not sure what it is and why I always seem to end up doing it, but it turned into a very late night with excess alcohol, and thus the trashing of my energy.  And I went down hard, spending the next beautiful sunny day in bed feeling like I wasted it away, and it spread into the next day, tired, lethargic and not in a very happy space. I not only took myself down into a world of guilt and anger but I managed to suck in the people closest to me. This was also a rare time when me and my girlfriend were off together, and looking back she would have had a better time if I wasn’t around.

I’ve only come to terms with this trashing of my energy today, maybe because I have begun to rebuild it, but whatever the reason it leaves so many questions? Like where is my sense of self control when I drink? Can I even go out and socialize without getting smashed?  Is it even worth it anymore? Shouldn’t I be able to accept every situation as it is without passing judgment and saying this is bad, this is good. I mean it’s all life isn’t it, it’s all an experience? Is it just my ego that wants to go go go and do more, and if I don’t follow my plans then I’m a bad person? Where is the middle road and should I try to take that versus going high and thus setting myself up to crash lower?

Regardless of the answers, I can say for sure how I felt and I’m clear on the difference.  Contributing, learning and creating felt great. Being ill, tired, remorseful and angry…. not so much.   As hard as it may be, I’m trying  not to be so hard on myself for messing up. The blog is still here, those sites have only gotten better since I last checked, my energy will rebound and I’m still super excited to have my sister, nephew and family here. I’m also clear on the effects we have on those around us.  For the last few days I’ve been busy creating a world with more anger and remorse. Sorry about that. By being happy and peaceful within myself I’ve seen others around me lighten up again, and I’ve watched the  laughter reappear from behind the dark clouds.

Happy journeys, detours and all.