The Highs and Lows

How quickly things can change, or at least appear to change.  Last week I was riding high. I started the blog and it felt good, I was uncovering some new neat sites which have some great info on them, my energy was through the roof, my little nephew and family were coming to visit, life was good.  Then I finished work for 4 days,  what better way to celebrate than head to a coworkers for a few drinks and bbq. Not sure what it is and why I always seem to end up doing it, but it turned into a very late night with excess alcohol, and thus the trashing of my energy.  And I went down hard, spending the next beautiful sunny day in bed feeling like I wasted it away, and it spread into the next day, tired, lethargic and not in a very happy space. I not only took myself down into a world of guilt and anger but I managed to suck in the people closest to me. This was also a rare time when me and my girlfriend were off together, and looking back she would have had a better time if I wasn’t around.

I’ve only come to terms with this trashing of my energy today, maybe because I have begun to rebuild it, but whatever the reason it leaves so many questions? Like where is my sense of self control when I drink? Can I even go out and socialize without getting smashed?  Is it even worth it anymore? Shouldn’t I be able to accept every situation as it is without passing judgment and saying this is bad, this is good. I mean it’s all life isn’t it, it’s all an experience? Is it just my ego that wants to go go go and do more, and if I don’t follow my plans then I’m a bad person? Where is the middle road and should I try to take that versus going high and thus setting myself up to crash lower?

Regardless of the answers, I can say for sure how I felt and I’m clear on the difference.  Contributing, learning and creating felt great. Being ill, tired, remorseful and angry…. not so much.   As hard as it may be, I’m trying  not to be so hard on myself for messing up. The blog is still here, those sites have only gotten better since I last checked, my energy will rebound and I’m still super excited to have my sister, nephew and family here. I’m also clear on the effects we have on those around us.  For the last few days I’ve been busy creating a world with more anger and remorse. Sorry about that. By being happy and peaceful within myself I’ve seen others around me lighten up again, and I’ve watched the  laughter reappear from behind the dark clouds.

Happy journeys, detours and all.

Blogs to the left, blogs to the right

What is this world I have stumbled upon? I’ve always heard of bloggers and blogging and thought I knew what it was about but in just the past week I’ve discovered this whole new world within the internet. Common, everyday people having their say and making a difference.  I mean I guess it is easier than starting a website, so maybe people opt for the simpler route. Whatever the reason(s) and I’m sure there are almost as many as there are blogs, people are having their say.  It’s refreshing, unfiltered info that is not created to perpetuate a sense of fear and negativity among everyone (but i’m sure you can find it if you looked)

Sidenote: I believe the simplest thing anyone can do to feel better is to cut out the MSM, aka The MainStreamMedia. I was at work a few days ago and for a hoot put on CBC radio for a NEWS update. I got a dose of terrorism, murder and genocide back to back to back. It made my lunch go down in lumps.  There are billions of things happening in the world at every instant, many of them positive, feel good stories but you would never know it by watching the news. Sure, I agree there are things we need to know, and it can at times be somewhat helpful but if anything is so important that it is going to affect you, you’ll hear about it.  Simple test to see if it is worthwhile to watch or listen: Does it empower you? Anyway, enough ranting, it’s just my opinion on the subject.

Back to the blogosphere. I’ve quickly skimmed some of the sites I have posted on the left and it has rekindled something inside. A fresh take on doing what you want and going for the gusto. As excited as I am, there is always that voice that pops up; what will you do, how will you do it, you’ve never done this before, you don’t know what you’re doing, no one else has done this…… the same voice that doubted the start of this simple blog and so many things before it. I can’t get rid of it, it will probably always be there and it will always sound reasonable. Luckily, I’m not interested in reason so much anymore.

Happy Journeys

Exciting Times

I’ve begun to use the Internet. It’s a pretty neat thing when you can start to organize it and tailor it to your needs. I’ve been surfing the Internet for about as long as it’s been around but never actually took any time to learn to use it effectively. Pretty crazy when you consider that virtually anything I’d ever want to know is right at my fingertips.  All knowledge amassed together about a foot from my face.  Not to say it isn’t full of s*@t as well cause it is but I guess it’s up to me to decipher what’s what.

I’m excited, feels good to be working on something creative and expressive.  Everything seems to be going good these days, (not that it ever really goes bad) I get to spend my days with great people, work is easy, the sun is up for 18+ hours a day and I’m looking forward to a trip later this year that I feel will alter the course of my life.  Yet as good as things are, and as good as I generally feel I am amazed at how angry I get over the littlest things sometimes. For example work is very simple and I often have to locate various instruments in the field. Sometimes like today it may take me a little longer that I’d like, and in about 3 second I can go from jolly to spitting fire and the longest string of curse words I’ve ever heard. I get so angry over nothing. I rarely get angry at others or even when other people are around but watch me drop something or have a problem closing a zipper and watch out!  May not last long and not sure why it happens, but I think it’s because I expect and want things to go smoothly and I feel that I’m in control. As soon as I lose that control my world gets flipped and so does my demeanor.  A friend once told me that if we can let go of 4 things we’d live in freedom; need for control, need for approval, need for security and I forget the fourth but I guess it may be true. Luckily I can catch myself in my tantrums now and as quickly as it appears it passes but there is a period there when I am genuinely mad.  Guess the inner waters aren’t as calm as I’d like them to be. Hence my desire to live in freedom and not have my being dictated by what happens on the outside. i.e loss/gain, pleasure/pain, shame/fame, and damn it all to hell I can’t remember the 4th thing again. Insert curse words, a few more, bonus curse, feel my blood start to boil.  See the rage, breath, laugh, ahh.. exciting times.

Happy Journeys

Sticktoitness

I can feel it happening already. I have a great idea, a moment of insight, some motivation to do something; anything and then it fizzes out. My ability to carry through and see a project to the end is weak.  It is so easy to start something but to stick it out to the end is a whole different story. And i’m not just talking about the speak off I was going to do it grade 8 or the camaro i’m supposed to be rebuilding with my cousin right now, i’m talking about life in general.  The big stuff like career, relationships etc. Mabe it comes down to discipline, lack of vision, or just being lazy.  I often feel that I get pulled in the direction of other people dreams, never taking the time to formulate my own. Yet to get a job and get up at 4am every day to do something you don’t necessarily like or agree with is for the most part easy.  But to set a goal and go for it at all costs it next to often impossible. What am I saying, to even set a goal is often too much.

Fortunately something other than vision and discipline has gotten me to where I am, and maybe for the first time I am getting a clearer idea of what I want to do and what is truly worthwhile to pursue.  Proof: I was this close to skipping the blog tonight cause I didn’t really feel I had anything to say, I felt lost with it’s direction and purpose.  But I guess  Nike was on to something with the most popular slogan ever and from now on I’m going to make the effort to finish what i’ve started, and start what I really want.  Vision, discipline and fortitude. Sounds like a powerful trio to add to one’s life’s journey, one that so far for me has been largely lacking.  Nice.

Happy Journeys.

An experience?

I think I had a real experience, the kind that comes from within.  At a totally unexpected time when i’m getting out of a frantic shower rushing to get to bed it kind of hit me. Myself along with a few friends have always discussed the route to take in order to affect the most change on the planet.  I’m a believer that it comes from you first and foremost and trickles out into the universe, but I always had this block and could never see how the work you do on yourself would automatically translate into a change in the masses. Good news, it doesn’t have to. It really does follow the path of the chinese?? proverb that says the man you tried to change the world realized he couldn’t, followed by failure with his country, province, community, and family, until finally he changed himself, thus followed by his family, community, etc.  It may sound like an old cliche but feeling it versus just hearing it actually makes a difference. Who would have guessed it? Maybe there is more to the world that just pure intellect?  Just enough motivation to keep the journey going!

If that wasn’t enough there is something I heard in the world of logic a short time ago that has really stuck with me, I think it may even be true; basically says there are two ways to find fufillment. One, you can grow as a person, learn about yourself, develop spiritually, basically be all you can be in the way that suits you or two, you can find some way to contribute. Whether it’s time, skills, money, experience or whatever, as long as you are contributing and helping others you’ll find it. That’s it.  Grow or contribute.  Correct?  Don’t know yet but i’m going to go with it for a while. Cool thing is, both of these supposed routes to fulfillment automatically benefits everyone you know.

If anyone wants to get started in finding a little extra fulfillment, I could seriously use a nice contribution of 2 extra hours of sleep tonight.

Sleeping for an eternity sounds like a happy journey right about now.

Self Talk and the Mother of Them All

It didn’t take long to catch myself in the act today.  4:55am as I was riding the bus to work I realized I didn’t dress properly for the morning or for our cold loving bus driver. Not a big deal if it isn’t 4:55am with a 70 km bus ride ahead of you, but for those that know me well, I like my sleep and I rather enjoy a nice nap whenever I can.  So of course I let myself have it for being so stupid and for a while I was on another trip, one full of anger and loathing.  A cup of strong anger before 5Am – good start to the day. But I bounced back, had a great day, till I got home..

I ended up facing what is one of my greatest challenges. I’m stingy. There I said it. I’m not a giver, I like to take and if something is mine, too bad, it’s not for you and you have no right to it. Unless of course you are one of those people I either really like or admire or want something from, then sure help yourself. But if I feel you owe me something or if I have you judged in a negative light , sorry but no deal. (I think the indignant bit and the tightness are related)  I won’t get into details but it was a rather insignificant act, and I’m not even sure who I should hurl my vengeance toward. But it struck me as it always does, and instead of looking at is as an opportunity to have helped someone out in a pinch, I felt cheated and ripped off and angry. But then I remembered the blog, ahhhh blog. I saw this as a learning opportunity, did what I could to release it and powered through it you could say. Powering through shit = good shit.  Of course this isn’t it for me being a tight ass, I got lots more stuff you can’t have!

Running count: indignant, angry and stingy. If I didn’t have a girlfriend I guess this wouldn’t be the best time to ask who’s free next Friday.  Or maybe it would cause I know there’s lots more where that came from.

Before long the key, shopping and finding fulfillment.

Happy Journeys

The Time Has Arrived

Yes, time to get off the fence and just do it. And if you are reading this, that’s good news cause  it’s much better living life without a fence post stuck up your deepest darkest regions, which in this case would be not inviting you to read along at your leisure.  WHY seems to scream out very loudly right now, and all I can think is why not. I’ve also had a nagging thought that this isn’t the right thing to be doing,  being on a spiritual path or whatever you want to call it doesn’t mesh well with blabbbing it all over the world and I wonder if I have slipped farther into the realm of ego, trying  to look smart or impress you with what info I’ve acquired.  Yeah, that could very well be it.  Hence the gap grows.

But, and don’t take this personally, right now this is more about me. There it is again.  What I mean is it feels good to just express yourself.  Like the fact that I know I have been an uptight, righteous person at work  on a regular basis.  I think the proper word is indignant. And of course it is not just at work, I have had many close relationships/friendships where I know and can see myself being this way.  Thinking I am better than others and no matter what they do it will either anger me or just piss me off. I feel I am owed something for nothing, just cause it’s me and you all suck! lol. It’s not that bad but you get the point.

So that’s a start, my goal for the next while is to catch myself having already made up my mind on someone and instead just letting them be, and then if they piss me off, watch the f#@k out!

Eternity is right here and now, how are you spending it? Happy Journeys

ps, if anyone knows any neat tricks to using a blog let me know, ie, how to create a signature or something. Thanks.  Oh and feedabck of any kind is welcome.